Porcupine Soup
The ultimate forbidden food
Whittling Away
By Dick Brooks
By Dick Brooks
June 17, 2021
The Queen of the house recently told me that she was going to a friend’s house and that I would be on my own as far as the evening meal was concerned. This really didn’t present as much of a problem for me as it might have for some other members of my sex that I know.
Some of my guy friends would be hard put to come up with a peanut butter sandwich to stave off starvation. I, on the other hand, am well versed in the culinary arts and in fact, do most of the cooking in our house.
I fed the dog and then was ready for a culinary adventure that I hadn’t been faced with for some time. I could have anything to eat I wanted. I didn’t have to take into account any one else’s likes or dislikes. There were no dietary restrictions to be accountable to anyone for, this could be good!
I could go get takeout, Chinese or pizza would be good. I ruled them out, not special enough.
I flipped through my mental menu and ran through some of my mother’s recipes, pleasant but they didn’t make my taste buds tingle. I got to the file “Favorite Forbidden Foods” and decided to take a quick cruise through it. In it, I found what I was searching for. An item from the distant past that made my mouth water.
I headed for the supermarket and started my search. I found the first item quickly. I wasn’t even sure it was still being made—Wonder Bread. It said “Classic” on the wrapper, I squeezed it. It was still wonderfully soft and squishy, just like the old days. Into the cart it went and I headed for the meat counter.
I found the bologna and located a package of the kind with the red rind on it, you know, the piece of plastic that you had to either cut off or if you were a bologna affectionate, you ripped off with your teeth. It joined the bread in the cart.
Off to the dairy section, the white American cheese I wanted was harder to find. I didn’t want the individually wrapped kind, I wanted the kind you had to peel off of its companions. I found a package near the back and it joined the bread and bologna in the cart.
Off to the condiment aisle where a jar of bright yellow mustard found its way into the cart, not that brown stuff with the dots in it, proper screaming yellow mustard.
I headed for the checkout, proud of the fact that at no time had I looked at the nutritional information panel on any of the products I was about to purchase. As I passed the bakery section, a package of Twinkies called to me. My newfound adventurous self said, “What the heck.” And for old times’ sake, the Twinkies hopped into the cart too.
Arriving home, I checked to see if any of the neighbors were looking and hurried with my bag of goodies into the house. I then spread my purchases out on the kitchen table and proceeded to make two of the most beautiful baloney and cheese sandwiches you’ve ever seen. I added the Twinkies to the edges of the plate and stood back to admire my masterpiece. Nothing I’ve seen on the Food Channel can compare with the sight of those beauties.
I filled up a glass with whole milk from the bottle usually reserved for making yogurt and went into the family room, set the plate down on the end table, flopped into my recliner, kicked the feet up, clicked the TV on. There was a NASCAR race on. I picked up the first sandwich, admired it, and took a bite. There are times when life is just so good that it almost hurts.
Thought for the week—If a cow laughed, would milk come out of her nose?
Until next week, may you and yours be happy and well.